The last post, I left off by stating that I had to feed Addison at 3 AM to prepare her for the MRI. Once I fed her, we both went back to bed. I tried to sleep-- but you know how it is in a hospital. The creaking bed, the repetitious beeping noises, the constant murmur of voices, do not help to soothe one to sleep. Add in one snoring husband, and I probably got a couple of hours of sleep that night.
Sunday morning, Jim and I were anxious. We weren't told when she was going to have the MRI, just that it was going to happen. We ordered breakfast, showered, played with Addison, and tried to distract ourselves. Every time the nurse came in, we were hopeful, but the answer was always "I don't know when it will happen." What made me nervous was that Addison had gone a long time without eating. At about 10, I finally asked a nurse what the situation was. Addison was started to get hungry and agitated. The nurse told us she would find out what was going on. A doctor then came in and told us that she wanted to refrain from using any sedation methods on Addison for the MRI. In order to make this happen, they needed Addison asleep. They instructed me to wait to feed her until right before the MRI (which we had just found out was going to be at noon) so that she would fall into a deep sleep. I was fearful that the plan wasn't going to work, but how do you tell a doctor that you don't think your daughter will cooperate? Jim and I tried to keep Addison occupied until about 11:30 but it was hard! We finally got to 11:30 and I fed Addison. She did fall asleep, but I know my daughter. Sometimes instead of falling into a deep sleep after feeding, she "pretends" to sleep. Sometimes feeding her actually wakes her up. Therefore, I was nervous for the MRI.
The medical transporter came, and this time I asked my husband to come with us to the MRI unit. We placed her in the hospital crib and she started to stir. I looked at my husband and we both just braced ourselves.
She slept the whole ride to the MRI unit. We had to wait a few minutes while they were finishing up another MRI, and in that time Addison started to wake-up. It started with a doctor talking loudly, and culminated when a door slammed shut. She woke up and started to fuss. I quickly picked her up trying to soothe her. She started to become agitated; she probably wanted to be awake and here I was trying to put her back to sleep. The technician told us that one of us should go with Addison into the MRI room. I agreed, but I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. The tech started asking me questions; it was honestly a blur. I had to take all of my jewelry off, my sweatshirt (it had a metal zipper), and I braced myself. I honestly thought I was just going to be in the room with Addison, not inside the MRI machine. Boy was I in for it.
The tech brought Addison and myself to the MRI room, and instructed me to place Addison down on the board. She started strapping Addison in, and at this point Addison was completely awake. Her eyes were wide, and I could tell she was going to start crying. The tech told me to try to soothe her while she was placing the straps across Addison's chest. Then, the tech started to secure her head and that is really when Addison lost it. She started screaming--- not just crying-- but screaming. It broke my heart. I know that she wasn't really hurting, but it was still hard to watch. The tech told me to lay down on top of Addison (the bottom half) and told me that it was my job to keep her head straight and hold her pacifier in her mouth. I had to hold her jaw with my hands and secure them in place. The tech told me to use slight force, and that it was imperative that I not allow Addison's head to move. Before going into the machine, the tech handed me a button to use if we needed to be let out of the machine.
In order to fit inside the MRI machine, I had to place my head at an angle (the left side of my face was down on the board). I wouldn't say I am claustrophobic, but I was definitely uncomfortable in the machine. All I could think about was Addison and making sure that the MRI was done correctly. She cried the entire time. The entire time. I started to cry, and I almost pressed the button a few times. I prayed hard. I prayed so hard. I knew that we needed the MRI done so that we could make sure there weren't any major problems with Addison's brain, but it was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. I couldn't even look in my baby's eyes to comfort her. She had a helmet type apparatus over her head, and I can only imagine what she was thinking. I kept saying to myself-- she will not remember this. But boy, I will never forget. I just kept praying and hoping it would be over soon. There was a moment, probably half way through (although the tech never told me how long it would be), when the tech came in and I thought "Thank God we are done!" But much to my disappointment, she told me I was doing a good job but I had to try to stop moving. She told me we were almost done, just a few more tests left, and I almost lost it. It was too much. Even writing about it now, I remember how I felt in that machine. When the tech left, I just started to kiss my baby's legs and whisper it was okay. I had to squeeze her jaw even harder because at this point she was crying so hard I couldn't hear myself think. In between praying, I also was telling myself to get my s**t together because there was no way we were doing this MRI again. I knew my husband would be disappointed if we had to do the process again. That is what kept me going-- making sure I wouldn't disappoint my husband. There was a point during the process where I started to to panic and freak out, but thankfully soon after that moment we were taken out of the machine.
The tech couldn't get the straps off of poor Addie fast enough. I grabbed her as soon as I could to comfort her. She was sweating through her onesie and I could feel how fast her heart was beating. But-- you should have seen her face. She was relieved. She immediately stopped crying, and just clung to me. I was shaking, and I could hardly walk. Jim asked me how I was doing, and I couldn't say anything. I was in a total state of shock. He took Addison and just let me gain my composure. I asked the tech if she thought it was an okay MRI or if she thought we would have to do it again, and she said we did the best we could. I hoped it was enough.
When we finally got Addison back to the hospital room, she was still a little out of it.
I mean the poor thing! Look at her :/
A precious smile after her intense ordeal.
We were resting in the hospital room, when the doctor called me to let us know that the MRI was normal! No lesions, hemorrhage, tumor, nothing! We were so happy! The doctor then said that at this time, all of the major avenues had been investigated. She wasn't sure why Addison was fluttering, but it wasn't caused by any of those major issues in the brain. Our next step, she said, was to see a neurological ophthalmologist to see if it is a problem with her eyes or a brain misfire. More testing is needed. While we were a little discouraged, we were extremely glad it wasn't anything big like a tumor or lesion. Our next plan of action is to see a specialist.
We were discharged that afternoon, and to say we were happy would be an understatement! As we were leaving, I looked in the hospital room next to us. There was a tiny baby, even smaller than Addison there with her mother. I don't know what was going on with that baby, but I felt for her mama. I gave the mom an encouraging smile. We were only in the hospital for two days, but it was certainly an ordeal. I can't imagine having to be in the hospital more than that with my child. I pray for all families who do spend a lot of time in a hospital. I can't imagine having to go through that. As a mom, you have to be so strong, while having a variety of emotions yourself.
So there you have it. Our experience. I certainly won't forget it, but I am so glad we had the outcome we did (so far). I will keep you posted in this journey, as Addison has her cataract surgery Friday. As always, thank you for reading.
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